I am so fucking tired right now…but sleep isn’t going to fix it. It’s the wrong kind of tired.
I got into it HUGE with my best friend’s husband about Ferguson
(quick side bar, it started like this:
bff’s hubby: *posts meme that says “a payless shoe store was looted in ferguson last night….not a single pair of work boots were stolen.”*
me: yeah that’s cool let’s mock the systematic racism, military state and violations of human rights happening right now by making a joke that black people don’t work hahahahaha you’re so witty. stop.
bff’s hubby: OMG IT’S JUST A JOKE WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THIS IS ABOUT RACE WOW KEEP IT CLASSY HANNAH
anyway so he and I have a history of disagreeing on, well, everything but we never let it get in the way of being really great friends but then he started getting mean cause I told him that toprightnews.com is probably not a serious, unbiased news source and should not be necessarily quoted as truth and he went so far as to unfriend me after publicly mocking me. He refriended me this morning but I’m still super hurt.
Another friend saw this and made a status about how “if you don’t like what someone posts on THEIR fb page just unfriend them god grow up you annoy me.”
which triggered the fuck out of my anxiety (centers around being considered “annoying”) and this girl is one of my only mom friends that I actually like IRL and our kids get along great and I was going to pay her to watch Liam while I’m in school this fall but now I’m scared to. So that’s cool.
I also have asked at least three friends with kids to get together lately and nobody even bothers to answer my texts but then post on facebook and shit and I feel like they’re avoiding me but I can’t imagine why cause despite my anxiety about shit I know I’m a really fun, caring person who is a fucking delight to be around. And my friends without kids just don’t even bother anymore. So that’s cool.
So really all I have by way of people to talk to lately is Will and Bekka (@beequeen-babybull) and once in awhile my little sister Emma. But Will has been working super late this past week or so and Bekka is half the country away and can’t get here fast enough and my sister has her own life. And when I called my mom today to talk to her about the shit I’m dealing with in my life (calling CPS on a family member, working two jobs, trying to get away from the sitter we use right now, feeling like I don’t have friends…) I was literally in the middle of saying “I just don’t have anyone to just sit down and talk to me about the stuff I’m going through right now and I need that, I feel alone…” she goes “oh sorry hon I gotta get going your sister is done at the dentist I’ll call you later!”
So my usually very supportive mom bailed right the fuck out. As I’m telling her I need someone to support me.
And on the topic of CPS I am set up to see the mother and child in question IN PERSON this weekend and I’m really nervous because it’s going to be so hard not to correct everything she is fucking up and like, trying not to just convince her to let me take the baby and let her go back to her life (oh wait she can’t she’s three months pregnant…oh wait again she didn’t stop doing her thing last time so why now?). And if I call most of what I have is just social media stuff and I’m scared that they will just laugh at me and tell me that isn’t proof and that will be that. But this baby deserves a life where she’s not being neglected. (oh and this morning there was a pic posted of the baby, 4 months old, eating a sucker. YUP)
I can’t be done with my early AM stocking job fast enough, and tomorrow is my last shift and I don’t even care about the assholes I work with and I’m starting a new job and learning the ropes is always scary cause I can’t fuck this up it’s too good but STRESSSSSSS and I start school in a couple weeks and I don’t have a sitting schedule for Liam yet because I don’t know who I can depend on for sure and I need this to be SOLID. But it’s not yet and so more stress.
Plus my car has no power steering and the rear passenger side wheel bearing (probably) is going out. Something is. :( So more money we don’t have going to fix a car we NEED to have working.
So I’m hoping this weekend at my cousin’s wedding I can have my little sister stay in with Liam on saturday night and go out drinking for a bit with Will to relax.
And now Liam is crying and hasn’t been asleep for ANYWHERE NEAR long enough to get us through this day.
Send help. :(
Are any of my followers familiar with how CPS works? Custodial stuff, social services..anything. I need resources and knowledge to remove a child from a negligent home and bring her into mine where she will be loved and cared for. I have screenshots of social media and a conversation with the mother in which she told me she would never stop doing drugs. The child is 4 months old and tiny, almost malnourished looking in pictures.
Help me save this little girl from the drug addicted, negligent parents who don’t care about her….
Links, info, whatever advice you have. Please.
Thunderstorms all through the night made for distressing dreams and startling awakening all night.
Then Liam woke up as I was about to go downstairs and cried like I was leaving him forever. It was awful.
I just want to go home and sleep.
Second to last day at this awful job. Thank goodness.